To the surprise of absolutely no one, Charlottesville, Virginia police announced today that they have found “no evidence” that Jackie, the primary figure in Rolling Stone’s story on campus sexual assault, was gang-raped, as that story proclaimed, at a UVa fraternity.

However, the cops said, that doesn’t mean that she wasn’t raped, “possibly somewhere else, on a different day.”

Rolling Stone now reports that, in the next Mission Impossible movie, Tom Cruise risks everything to try to track down Jackie’s attackers, then dies before succeeding.